Her weakness
by blondie1369
Summary: She had to see him one last time. See his face, hear his voice. It drove her mad but he was her weakness.SBOC.
1. 1

**A/N- I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters. I do own these words though.  
**

**Maybe I didn't make it clear enough. My bad. This is a scene with Sirius and one of my own characters. Someone I've had in my mind for a while now. If you guys like the pairing I might start a fic about them  
**

**Please R & R and let me know what you think. And if I should write more... **

Her Weakness

She stared at the wall. Unable to look at anything else. She could feel tears pricking her eyes. Angry at herself she flung her head back. 'Don't be so weak,' she snapped.

Then the memories washed over her. Lily, James, Harry…. Sirius laughing his bark of amusement. His eyes shinning, his face full of pure happiness.

'Oh Sirius.' She murmured softly, tears finally spilling down her cheeks. Silent tears.

He had always been rash. Bull headed. Arrogant. Quick to anger. She could list his faults all day. Yet every one of them made him the man she loved.

Everything he was, was in rebellion of being a pureblood. He was ashamed of his heritage. But she? She was proud of her slyness, the ease with which she could lie; the arrogance she called upon to carry her through.

That was why she was doing what she was. She was the only one who could. Her imitation was flawless.

Her mind crept back to the day before. The last conversation, the last look, the last kiss…

She had gone to him, wanting to see him one last time. She had known what his reaction would be, he was nothing if not a little predictable.

She had let him shout, rant, rave. And when he had begun to calm a little she had wrapped herself around him, seeing the torment in his eyes. He wanted to protect her. Assure her safety just as he had James, Lily and Harry's. But she was the only one he couldn't shield.

"You shouldn't have come." He said after a while, a little breathless.

"You're repeating yourself." She murmured; he pulled away from her and began stalking up and down the room.

"Only because you seemed determined to get yourself killed by taking foolish and unnecessary chances." He snapped, turning to face her. His eyes flashing menacingly, his fists clenched. "What if they found out? They'd kill you."

"I know."

"Don't you care?" He asked, the anger in his voice making way for exasperation.

"You want the truth?"

"Yes."

"No. None of it matters anymore. Not if I can't see you." There; she had said it. Said what she had always sworn not to.

She had then moved to him again. This time he took her in his arms. The familiar tingle told her her face was changing. Her eyes lightening, her figure filling out a little; the way he liked it. A faint pull told her her hair had softened from silver to golden.

She hated the way she did it. Unconsciously changing herself to please him. He was her weakness, she had always known that. The pathetic element disgusted and intrigued her at the same time. The knowledge that she would gladly die for him scared her.

She had looked deep in the grey eyes and known. Known he would never turn away from her. Known despite some of the half hearted protestations in the past; that they should end it, that it was too risky; he couldn't turn away from her. She was his weakness. Together they were exposed.

"Lily, James and Harry?" She asked, wanting to purge some of the intensity away from the room.

"Safe. Safer than us all." Was the murmured reply.

"Good. Remus and Peter?"

He shrugged. "Remus can look after himself."

"You still believe…" She trailed off, not wanting to say it out loud. The thought too unbearable to speak.

"Someone is feeding Voldermort information." He said flatly. "Someone close."

"But Remus…."

"Look we've been through this. Other than us; Peter, Remus and Dumbledore are the only ones who could have known some of it. You yourself admitted that…" His voice had risen slightly.

"I know but…"

He interrupted her again. "Dumbledore would never, Peter, well he wouldn't have the guts. That leaves Remus…" He sighed and pulled away. She had known how much it had hurt to say it out loud, Remus was a friend. A close friend. It had killed Sirius to think he had turned on them. Spied on them and went crawling to the Dark Lord. "I don't want to believe it."

"Is it because he's a werewolf?"

"No." He snapped. Too quickly. Too sharply. His tone told her the truth. "It has nothing to do with that."

She had shrugged and nodded. "If you say so." It had been the wrong thing to say, he wheeled around on her, the fury on his face would have scared her had she not known him as well as she did.

"He's always been apart from us. I'm not saying I never trusted him, but it has nothing to do with what he is. It's who he is…." The anger diminished as quickly as it had flared. "Why do you think I never trusted him with you?"

"Where will you go?" She changed the subject again.

"Somewhere hot. Sunny. It'll be like a holiday." And there it was. His smile. The first time he smiled since she had walked in the door. It made her knees weak, gave her goosebumps, reduced her whole body to a tingling mass of nerves.

"Sounds nice."

After a long time he had pulled away again. He seemed to firm his stance, set his face in a determined expression. "I have to go," he had paused then "you could…."

"No." He nodded, knowing before he asked she wouldn't. Couldn't.

"I had to ask."

"I know." She pulled her cloak back on. "When will I hear?"

"When I get settled I'll send word through Dumbledore. I have a few things to check, but I'll leave as soon as I can."

She had kissed him one last time. "I love you."

"I know. I love you too."

"Come back to me soon." She had murmured then swept out of the house, not looking back but knowing his eyes followed her until she disappeared into the dusk.

And then there was nothing. Nothing for her. Nothing left but the cold indifference on the outside.

But inside was the burning pain. Searing through her lungs every time she breathed. The knowledge that Sirius could never have… Would have died rather than… Dumbledore told her that eventually she would learn to accept the truth.

Truth. Funny word. She hadn't dealt in truth for a long time.

The wall blurred beneath her tears. She wondered if he cried. If he had stopped laughing. If the reality scared him. But most of all she wondered how Peter had done it.


	2. 2

**A/N**- **I don't own Harry Potter world, I do however, own this story so keep your mitts off. **

** Hope this explains the first chapter a little more. I mean't it to be intruiging, so hope it wasn't annoying. All feed back welcome, so let me know if you like or not..  
**

Chapter Two 

He stared dumbly at the dirt, then the wall, then the ceiling. Eventually even rock and dirt began to resemble her face. The sweep of her brow. Her firm set mouth. Her. Just the thought of her was painful, like a hard kick in the stomach.

He'd avoided thinking of her these last twelve years in Azkaban. The torment in his own brain was enough without being amplified by the Dementors. And then upon escape he had had to steel himself.

'Think only of Harry.' Had been the constant voice in the back of his brain. 'Get to Peter and Harry.'

Except that late at night, when he struggled to sleep, he couldn't stop the image of her face. The sound of her voice. The smell of her hair. The touch of her skin…

So he changed to snuffles. It didn't hurt as much when he was Padfoot. It was just a dull throb in his chest rather than an ache which threatened to engulf him entirely.

He had looked out for her name in all the papers he had stolen, read every single page from top to bottom. But there was no mention of her. Her older brother was there in large amounts. Still the same sneering face, haughty gaze and arrogant posturing.

But she wasn't. He didn't dare think that maybe she was dead. That was not possible. He would know. He was sure of it. No, she was alive; he still felt the familiar tug of her. When that was gone he would know she was too.

But now. Now he was free. He laughed out loud.

Free! He doubted he would ever be a free man again now Peter had fled for the second time. But he was free from the torment, Dumbledore knew the truth. And most importantly Harry knew.

Harry who was so much like James. Harry who thought he was abroad, sending back exotic birds, as if they were caught from some Caribbean island, not aviaries and bird sanctuaries from around the country. If Harry knew he was camping out in a cave, trying to muster up enough courage to go and see a woman...

Yes, he Sirius Black, needed courage. Courage! About a woman!

But he was terrified. Terrified she would kill him the moment he got to her doorstep. Terrified she, who was now the only living person who had known him best; had believed him capable of the crime he was imprisoned for. That she had not known him after all. That she had not loved him as much as he had loved her. So desperately. So completely. He felt half a person.

Or worse. That she had given him no more thought. Forgotten him, moved on. Married. Children? While he thought of nothing but her face for twelve years.

888

She had been beautiful. In a cold, remote way. The same way his mother had been beautiful. Her eyes like two pieces of frost. Her hair a sheet of shimmering silver. Dead straight. Her skin had been flawlessly pale. Never a blemish or even a flush.

She had walked like any other pureblood. Head high, surveying people with a haughty gaze. It was instinctive. He had sometimes caught himself doing it too. It was in the blood.

He had recognised in her so many things he found abhorrent in himself, yet he had felt drawn to her. For she had been different. Just like he had.

He had known growing up there would come a time when he would have to stand up to his parents. To finally tell them their pureblood mania was insane and he wanted nothing to do with it. Being sorted into Griffindor had been the catalyst, the howlers, the pretending he didn't exist, the beatings when he answered back…

He had often wondered how hard it had been for her. Being from a family every bit as fanatically pureblood as his.

He had often found himself watching her, the way she moved. The way she spoke. The way her eyes seemed to darken to the shade of cornflowers when she was happy. And when she smiled the coldness in her features softened.

He supposed really he had known her since he was a child, they had played together. Knowing their parents there had probably been an agreement of sorts to encourage a marriage. Pure blood to pure blood. He was only a couple of months older after all.

He had been blamed as a bad influence when she was sorted into Griffindor.

Yet that was where the fair tale had ended. Maybe she had resented the fact that he was a daily reminder of her family and the circle they moved it. He had attempted to talk to her the day they had joined Hogwarts. But she had politely but coolly rebuffed him. Making it quite clear that she wanted nothing to do with him and nothing from him.

It would be the typical cliché to say he had dated around to get her attention. Or to get her out of his head. Or as a substitute because he couldn't have her.

But it would also be a lie. He had done so because he could. Because he was good looking, the most handsome boy at Hogwarts. He had never felt her lips when he kissed girls. He had never seen her eyes when they gazed adoringly up at him.

Of course he had fantasised about her; the softness of her skin. The coolness of her lips. Her small graceful body next to his… It had been hard not to want her.

Then of course they had been thrown together. This had infuriated her and she had tried her hardest to keep the distance between them.

But there were the odd occasions when he would catch her eye and he would see the same sadness, the same anger and the same defiance he felt at being an outcast Black, which she obviously felt at being an outcast Malfoy.


	3. 3

**A/N: As always the Harry Potter world belongs to the wonderful Rowling woman. But these words are my own. **

**rkom1147- thanks for your review and I'm glad you like it. As for your point on Remus and Peter not knowing where Lily, James were I always took it that they did, just as all the order of the pheonix know where their headquarters are but only the secret keeper (Dumbledore) could tell. But at the end of POA Sirius admits the reason he didn't tell Remus he'd swapped with Peter as secret keeper was because he thought Remus was the spy. Hope you enjoy this chapter.**  


Chapter Three

She lay in the bath; the warmth usually lulled her into a state of relaxation, making her so sleepy she could just crawl into bed and not think of him. But when she slept she dreamt about his face, his grin, his bark like laugh and the smell of his after shave.

But it wasn't working tonight. And hadn't worked the night before or the night before that. In fact it hadn't worked since she had heard of his escape.

At first she had been excited. She had sat up five night's straight, convinced he would come to her. Come sauntering in the door so she could wrap her arms around him and tell him she loved him and knew he was innocent.

But he hadn't. An empty hollow feeling had spread from her stomach. He wasn't coming to her. She wasn't his first thought. Perhaps he never thought of her. Never dreamed of her or gave her a moment's concern.

Perhaps Azkaban had eradicated all the love he felt for her from him. Perhaps he had never loved her as much as she had loved him.

Weeks, months, more. Sirius was free and he hadn't come to her. It had been nearly eleven months and she had heard nothing. Nearly a year and nothing from the man whose memory still tormented her. Nothing from him when he was the first thought in the morning and the last at night. Nothing when in that wonderful moment between sleep and awake she still thought she would wake up and he would be there beside her telling her it was just a bad dream.

Nothing at all. She supposed he might be trying to protect Harry, but Harry was in the safest place in the world. Hogwarts with Dumbledore watching over him. And from what she'd heard Harry could look after himself.

Grabbing her glass she took another gulp of wine. She still remembered the first time she had actually spent Sirius, James, Remus and Peter. It had been in her sixth year, just before Christmas, when Lily had confessed she did actually think James Potter was quite cute. An annoying, arrogant, insufferable, conceited git, but still cute.

888

Sirius climbed in the portrait hole. He was exhausted, still filthy even after his long shower, but happy.

It had been a hard quiditch practice and the team captain Thorn was getting more and more hysterical about their match against Slytherin, but they had flown well and they would definitely kick Slytherin out of contention for the Quiditch cup.

"I'm starving." James groaned beside him. They collapsed in a chair opposite their friend Remus, who just looked up with a bemused look at them. Soaked, dirty but beaming with contentment. Shaking his head Remus went back to his book.

"Good thing we stopped by the kitchen then isn't it." Sirius grinned, pulling the three plates he had balanced on his arm under his robe. He slapped them down on the table.

Right on cue Peter, the forth in their gang appeared from the stairs leading to the dormitory. "Great, your back. And you're brought food!" He exclaimed trotting over and grabbing a sandwich.

"Knew this would cheer you up." James smirked. Peter had been given extra homework in Transfiguration for the fifth time running. But no matter how hard they all tried to help him, he just didn't get it. Sirius often wondered what would become of Peter when they all left Hogwarts.

Then there was flutter of ruby and silver coming from the sixth year girl's dormitory. "Oi oi!" Sirius crowed in James ear. "Evans at twelve o'clock."

James' head snapped round so fast Sirius was positive it had gone backwards.

And there she was. Slim and pretty Lily Evans, red hair falling down her back, green eyes flashing. Beside her Lucretia Malfoy. An exact opposite. If Lily was warm, Lucretia was cold. Lily the picture of wholesome goodness, Lucretia was the ice maiden who made boys blood freeze with desire.

Sirius heard them talk about her, even the Slytherin's. She was the ice maiden. She wouldn't let anybody close. Except Lily. She was made more alluring by the fact that she was a metamorphmagus; which meant she could change her appearance at will. They were extremely rare and she had been forbidden to change more than her hair and eye colour. Although there were rumours she often went about disguised as Professor McGonagal at night.

It was never truer than if you tell a boy they can't have a girl, they want her even more. Even more true of a pure blood boy.

James was out of his seat quickly. He managed to position himself in their path with a plate of delicious food. "Hungry?" He asked nonchalantly, as if he regularly stood around the common room with plates of food and had not just dashed halfway across the room to intercept them.

"No." Lily snapped; Sirius nearly choked with shock however when Lucretia reached out a hand and picked a strawberry from the plate. He was amused to see Lily looked equally shocked.

"I love strawberries. Where'd you get them in the middle of winter?" She asked her nails the same blood red of the fruit.

"Well that would be telling." James hid his surprise behind a smirk, taking a bite from a chicken leg."Why don't you come and sit, we have more."

Lily had opened her mouth to obviously refuse when Lucretia nodded and went and sat next to Remus. Lily followed dumbly, shooting James suspicious looks, as if convinced he had put a spell on her usually anti-social friend.

"Have you been harassing those house elves again Potter?" She asked waspishly walking up behind Lucretia and perching on the arm of the sofa rather than go and sit in the only other available seat next to James. "I've heard its nothing special to be able to steal food from the kitchens, they practically give it away."

James' smirk lessened a little, but he just shrugged and picked up another chicken leg. "Want one Lucy?" He asked pointedly ignoring Lily.

Lucretia shook her head. "Nothing with a face."

"Oh right." James nodded, obviously bemused by the idea of a pure blood vegetarian.

"More for us." Sirius grinned grabbing three chicken legs and tearing into them in turn. "Why are you a weirdo... sorry veggie again?" He asked; his mouth full of chicken. He loved trying to get a reaction on the cool exterior. It was rather like taunting a marble statue, waiting for it to blush.

"Because it winds my parents up. Why are you thick sorry mentally retarded again?" She shot back.

Sirius grinned broadly, knowing his mouth was full of half chewed meat.

"He was dropped on his head when he was a baby." James grinned. "It's not his fault."

"Do they call you Lucy?" Sirius goaded, it was a running joke that Lucretia hated her name. She said it was too pure blood and like her older brother Lucius' name. So, with some help from her muggle born best friend she had re-christened herself with a muggle name: Lucy. Sirius had been most amused. Her parents had not. Still, that was the whole point.

She was more like him than she would ever care to admit. She had that same streak of mischief which he let run riot with the marauders.

"Yes Sirius. They call me Lucy and fully except that I'm a born again muggle-born."

"A what?" James asked; looking confused with a mouth full of trifle half in his mouth.

"Ew James." Lily snapped. "In your mouth, food goes in your mouth."

"Really?" James asked, a mischievous look glinting in his eyes. "I always thought it was more fun if you haphazardly aimed." He picked up another spoon full of trifle. "See, oops…" He flicked it over Remus' bowed head.

Remus looked up from his book, not looking too concerned; he picked up a custard tart and threw it at James.

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When all the food had run out Lucy finally came out from behind the sofa. Sirius watched as she carefully picked her way through the remnants of their feast which was now splattered all over the floor, rugs, sofa's and chairs, fireplace and pictures who were complaining gruffly. She, however, didn't have a speck on her. He, James, Peter, Remus and Lily had been covered.

Lily had already ran up to her dormitory squealing with disgust. Trifle, custard, pumpkin juice, pie, ice cream, gravy and a few chips covered them. But they were happy.

"You have a knack for avoiding mess, don't you?" Sirius taunted, picking a cherry out of his hair.

"Runs in the family." She shot back. "Well, as much fun as this is, I'm going to go and help Lily get the gravy out of her hair." Lucretia continued in a cheerful voice, and if Sirius hadn't known better he would have thought she was smiling.

"Anytime." He grinned back as he watched her slip upstairs.


	4. 4

**A/N: Harry Potter belongs to J.K Rowling. I do own these words though.**

**rkom1147- thanks again for saying you like it, and I've just demonstrated my obsessive compulsiveness about all things marauderish... **

Chapter 4

Sirius slowly padded through the village. It was a small, out of the way place. Peaceful in its own dullness. Just the sort of irony she would appreciate. He would have smiled had it not been for his doggy shape. This had been where she had lived all those years ago and inside he was sure she still did. Although a nagging voice in the back of his brain suggested it was just desperate hope that made him sure of that.

He had reached the end of the road when he saw her. The pain in his chest was so tight he couldn't move. She looked exactly the same. She hadn't changed from that last fleeting glimpse he'd had of her, walking away, all those years ago. She looked around, pulled her thin coat around her tighter and disappeared into her cottage.

Trotting up closer he got to the fence. Every fibre in his being was calling him to her. Telling him to risk it. To believe she was still the same person. The same woman he had loved and still loved so desperately.

With a nimble paw he pushed the catch of the gate open and trotted up the path. There he could sense her, smell her scent, a mixture of flowers and oranges. Sweet, seductive, misleading. Just like her.

He longed to touch her, feel her soft skin. Kiss her lips. He remembered the first time he had spoken to her. Really spoken to her. It had been down by the lake, just after the first snow before Christmas.

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Sirius had just finally received the owl he'd been expecting for weeks.

_There will be no need for you to return for Christmas._

_Father_

He stared at the words, not sure if he was angry, upset or relieved. What ever it was it stung. He took the family eagle owl up to the owlery and wrote a quick reply.

_Was going to stay anyway. _

_ Sirius_

He knew it was petty and a little pathetic but it made him feel slightly better. James had offered for him to go and stay at the Potter's but Sirius had refused. For some reason he wanted some peace and quiet. Wanted some space, and there really wasn't any better place for that than Hogwarts at Christmas.

Wandering out into the grounds he didn't feel like going back to the common room to face the look on James' face. Concern. He was too concerned with his friend's problems. He took Remus' 'furry little problem' to heart, was always berating Peter to stand up for himself and he hated the way Sirius' family treated him.

Snow had fallen and the land looked peaceful and still. He was halfway down to the lake when he realised someone was already standing there, wrapped in a thick cloak.

He moved closer and caught a flash of white blonde hair and icicle eyes.

"Sorry, didn't mean to disturb you." He muttered, turning to leave. But she called him back.

"It's ok. Just being pathetic and wallowing in my own self pity. What's wrong?" He turned back and looked at her; her eyes had softened and appeared darker and warmer.

"Nothing." He muttered, but went and stood beside her anyway. Suddenly he didn't want to be alone. "Have to stay here for Christmas."

"Oh, is that all?" She smiled, seeing his look she shrugged. "It's same with me. Got the letter this morning. Mother and father are going to see my grandparents in Bulgaria, while my brother is staying with his lovely girlfriends' family. She's your cousin isn't she, Narcissa?"

"Yes. She's my adorable cousin. Her and her sweet sister Bellatrix are wonderful. Can't you go to Lily's?" He asked.

"A muggle born? Stay with Muggles?" She laughed, short and sharp. Sirius nodded, he had just realised how lucky he was that James family was almost entirely magical. "Yes, that would go down well with my parents. At least you get to get away from your family now and again with James." She said bitterly.

"Maybe if you stopped insisting they call you Lucy, they might feel more generous about your friends." He pointed out.

She laughed, "Yeah, you're a fine one to talk Black." The look on his face warned her she had touched a nerve. "Sorry. I know it's harder for you."

"I hate it there." He said with so much anger Lucretia stared at him. He shook his head. "I'll bet your father never used the cruciatus curse on you while your mother and brother watched laughing." He snapped.

Her eyes widened, he could read her expression perfectly. She'd known the Blacks were dark wizards but she'd never thought they'd mistreat and abuse one of their own. "They think I'm a disgrace to the ancient and noble house of Black family, as far as they're concerned I'm a waste of space muggle lover." He paused, half regretting his outburst of self pity. "A blood traitor."

She put her hand on his arm lightly. "But everyone else knows differently, don't they?" She murmured. He turned his head to look at her; they had never been this physically close. He looked into her eyes which were deep blue; the colour the colour of cornflowers, her hair hung around her face in soft golden blonde curls. She was beautiful. In a delicate way, a way which made him want to protect her from the hurt in her, for once, open face.

"Do they?" He murmured back.

"Yes." She nodded. "You may be an arrogant, stuck up, full of himself; spiteful git,"

"Thanks." Sirius nodded, his lips twitching.

"But you're our git. Your loyal, kind," she stopped "to a point and to whom you choose, and your brave." She added. "Plus, you're a great friend." She finished.

His eyes widened. "Are we friends?" He asked surprised, he'd always assumed she had hated his guts and only put up with him for Lily and James' sake.

She nodded. He sighed at her grinning. "I think I liked you better when you hated me."

She slapped him on the arm playfully. "Sirius, you should be proud that your family don't consider you a Black." His laugh was more like a bark.

"That's grand coming from a Malfoy." She blushed slightly and pulled her hand away. He wished she hadn't, he got tingles every time she touched him.

Turning she began to walk back to the castle. Giving himself a mental shake he followed.

And from then on he did feel her cool lips on his when he kissed other girls. And when they looked up at him adoringly, he only saw bright blue eyes the colour of cornflowers.


End file.
